Balance: Not Just The Beam Anymore

Where to begin...what's immediately in front of me. I was just reading a fellow blogger's blog and recognizing a similarity between the antagonists in his story and myself.

Today, while driving with my boss and co-volunteer, Eduard, I was picking up on this tension in my chest while they were talking and carrying on in thier usual way. Usually about this time, Eduardo and I are in the 'comfort' of our own company car engaging in the system we have created for ourselves to overcome the rejection du jour. This involves alot of deep breathing and pep talking, which if you weren't us in the car, would seem silly but it works because its us. However, the car became in-operable as of yesterday and so we were riding with our boss to scout sites.

Everything got on my nerves and in came the tense sensations through my chest center. This, I have learned, is the red flag for me that something is uncomforatable and so I go inside the woods of my mind to investigate. I look at the usual suspects first: a) do I have a cigarette patch on? b) have I been to a meeting? c) is the sky actually falling or am I in fear of something? I spend time with these thoughts and feel the sensations in my body to see if anything is triggered. Nothing. I am still annoyed.

It dawns on me that as I am trying to be present with my presence I cannot concentrate. This is the same feeling I have while meditating recently. Thoughts flood my mind with information I have read in books lately, tons of information, so much I cannot choose a tool from which to practice. Then another thought...perhaps it is the reading..and if the reading is the thing and I am the reader then perhaps I need to simply experience and not read about how to experience.

Aha!! Right View putting things back into perspective. I learn how to let go to experience and then...jump out of the nest and experience. All of the discipline I am practicing has allowed me to focus and develop my concentration. My humanness sees results from this practice and doesn't want to let go of this new and shiny object 'discipline' thus creating a desire for discipline, a craving if you will. As the scales tip toward imbalance, I start to rigidly impose my point of view of the way things should be on the reality around me, creating suffering, tension and frustration.

Awareness is my remedy for locating imbalance. As I become aware, I restore my perception to one of equnimity toward myself and others. What this means is that as I find myself annoyed with people, places, and things around me, I can choose to accept these things as they are because that is the only way to understand happiness:)

Love You!!!