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Yesterday was interesting. I had a really long ride with the house leader while picking up and delivering boxes all around the New York area. We talked about our lives or parts of them and it was invaluable to learn how he grew up, lived, and is becoming.



As I was listening to him, I noticed how easily he was telling the story of his life. There were serious parts yes, but there was also a light-hearted spirit about it all. This is the fruit of having lived and learned all one's life and having practiced the telling of the story throughout the span of his exsistence, adding new events on, after rationaling thier meaning and relating them to the other parts of his life. It was a beautiful story, full of poetry and heartbreak.



Then the most uncalled for thing happened. He asked me to tell him something about myself. I was doing such a wonderful job of observing and taking little nuggets of wisdom and storing them away in my mental pocket. Just bearing witness to the life of another human being. When I had comparative thoughts, I was diligently practicing non-discrimination, doing my very best to be one with this blossoming petal of nowness. Of course I wanted to talk about myself, too, but I wasn't about to say anything because I was aware that I had no idea what would come out of my mouth.



It was simple, really. He asked me to tell him something about myself that he didn't know. I could pick from a cornucopia of past experiences that would dazzle and ooh-ahh. With so much to choose from, I was caught off gaurd with what to present. So, I jumped right into the deep end of the pool. Reflecting on it now, I understand a little bit more about what it was I was trying to communicate but it came out in an unfortunate way. Since I have been in recovery, I have learned that the things in my life did not always just 'happen' to me, that I actually was a participant, I had to change a lot of the victims views I used to hold to be truths. In taking this fearless action, I no longer have the victim past and if I don't have the victim past...Who am I?

I ended up being a sad person when I am not a sad person. Part of me was trying to say 'look at all these things I have done and judge me harshly', and 'please don't be mean to me, mister, this is what I have been through'....I have a lot of work to do to understand how to communicate myself properly. What I was really saying was 'this is part of my life, these are the things I am trying to understand about myself so I can love better.'

Anyway, just some thoughts. Much ado about nothing, really....