12/22/08

Last night I woke up at 1 am, not being able to sleep because thoughts of anger and hatred, deep seeds of fear were coming up to the surface and so I sat down with my emotions to meditate. I was so angry and I was crying and then the thought came to me that perhaps this is exactly what I asked for. I asked for time to heal, I have been praying for love, the practice of love meditation and I am receiving it on the rocky climb of self-discipline. I have prayed and meditated on self-love and love for others not really knowing what I was asking for or how to go about it. Now that I have not heard from my other half and my expectations are not being met, my ego bound attachments are not being given to me, tidal waves of anger and fear and resentment are surfacing.

Last night marked four days. At three days, my response is generally reactionary and I have, in the past, gone into a negative space and to come out of feeling this way, I have chosen some kind of action to chase away the afflictive emotions, usually causing pain and sadness to another so I do not have to feel it myself. But I have made a commitment to myself to learn about love so that I may break the cycle of pain that I have been operating with, and in doing so be able to give true and healthy and deep love to my family and my children.

So, on day three, my thoughts went to their habitual negative spaces and I almost reacted by running in the opposite direction but my spirit told me I was strong enough to carry myself to the cushion and just sit with this storm. So I did. As I sat, my ego kept repeating over and over that I was weak to just sit and do nothing, that I should react to this obvious display that I had been thrown out of the kingdom of affection and into the cold winter of abandonment, I am weak, I am passive, I am allowing myself to be a victim if I do not act...Over and over this repetition, the thoughts of suffering coming from a deep reservoir in my repressed subconscious. It was as if I was being thrashed against rocks.

Somewhere in the midst of these thoughts, I remembered my determination to still my mind. 'There has to be something beyond these extreme emotional highs and lows I am experiencing'. Slowly, and with much deliberate effort, I reigned my focus onto my breathing and in time I naturally went into a love meditation. I spent time looking into my pain, seeing there a little girl who needs my attention. I looked deeply at my other half, who needs our freedom, who needs my love and attention. Softly, my thoughts found their way to the reality of the situation. It was day three and this was a response I had created to protect myself. In choosing to heal, this is where I face myself, face my anger, fear, and jealousy and face them all by myself, for the benefit of others, without expectation in return.

When I woke the next morning,I felt better and enjoyed that feeling for about five minutes before having negative thoughts again. I spent most of the day in the car, in the snow, so all there was to do was think and so I battled with this strong energy. So strong is this energy and my habitual response to feeding into it that each time I was able to identify a thought and restrain it, I felt a physical, knee-jerk reaction. In panic, I will think very cruel things about myself, about other people, and my body, either in my face or in my stomach will become very warm and nauseous feeling, like when something frightens you and all your blood rushes away.

Anyway, there was this, all day. When I got home, I checked my email and checked my phone for signs of life, nothing. In the back of my mind, I was still hoping, still expecting. I started crying again and took a shower and pulled myself, sobbing, to the cushion. I sat for a long time and after a while I remember the last thing said to me was 'you have my love'. I felt that rush of blood I was telling you about but not in panic, it was understanding. In AA, we say the phrase I surrender when we realize we are powerless over alcohol and our addictive thoughts and behaviors. I repeated this phrase as I sat, realizing I was powerless to control any outcome and so I just let go. I let go the need to feel attached, to feel connected in some tangible way, some identifiable way.

I know that my ability to heal myself cannot be done through trusting it to another person. All the trustworthy actions in the world can do nothing if I do not make the choice to trust. I committed to trust in love and let it lead me and it is leading me now. I am being broken down now by my own love for myself to get better. I trust in this. I trust the choice I am making to face my fears will bear fruit. I trust that as I stand firmly in my beliefs and act in their accordance, I will be rewarded the love I seek.

So, in this moment, I am preparing myself for the next tidal wave. I am aware that this is the tip of the iceburg. I choose to become comfortable with these storms if I am to form the new habit of seeing beyond chaos, understanding it as change. As always, I am grateful to have made this commitment to come here, there are so many reasons I have come to practice fearlessness. I will continue this path of non-violent resistance within myself and I will be the love I wish to see in the world.