Sobriety Rules

Today marks my first year of being sober!! One year ago today, I put down alcohol and picked up a white surrender chip. My life has been amazing since that day. I went to alot of AA meetings and went through alot of fear with my sponsor and I am coming out on the other side with a desire to be present in this life. I am renewing my self-confidence a little more each day.

These last few days I have noticed that even though it is hard, I voluntarily and subconsciously decided to listen to my own voice of reason to make choices in my life. It is the first time I have trusted meself enough to do this, to know that my intentions are motivated by a desire to do good for not only myself but others as well. I will admit, some days I make a piss-poor delivery at it but the point is that I no longer need to have others opinions to make a decision. I may makek the wrong decision and go back repeatedly to the drawing board but that is my choice. It is my choice to take responsibility for my life because I am the only one who can make it worth living and more than make it worth living, make it the life of my dreams.

Today, there is the same amount of fear I felt before I stopped drinking but the difference is I desire it to be there. I desire it to be there because I have become aware of the benefits of being present with my feelings, I recognize there is another side. I am not just stuck with something, I can change my perspective. I do not choose to pick up a drink because that is the only way to escape a given situation. There is no need to escape at all. The recognition that this life is the life of my choosing is enough to put a smile on my face and determination in my step forward. Yes, the reality of life can be daunting and full of suffering but the reality is that where there is suffering, there is the most room for growth, where there is suffering, there is happiness and that is what makes this experience real and possible to choose between the two.

One year ago, I felt that everything that was wrong in my life was because I was a victim of abuse and neglect. I would always be underdeveloped mentally because of my past and that's just the way it was. There was no need to grow outside of that, I found people whose ideals shadowed my own and so we drank away our misery. I drank away my misery and was comfortable holding up a flag of defeat. I cannot change my life, I thought, I might as well enjoy the nightlife, where I can find companionship and smiles and laughter, and forgetfulness. I woke up in the mornings full of self-hate, masked by fuzzy hang-overs and the rush to get to work on time. I stuffed away my dreams of better living in a compartment in my mind, filed somewhere between healthy relationships and self care.

One year ago, I had been drinking alcoholically for eight years and most of my memories, if not forgotten, were soaked in beer and ignorance. Convicted of a DUI at 20, having to have my parents and close friends bail me out of trouble time and time again, all the while laughing and dancing my life away at night as if everything in life were going my way because I still had somewhere to run, someone to clean up after me. Wreaking havoc and leaving trails of my sanity and intelligence until there was none to be seen. This is the tip of an iceberg, which I still have more work to do before I am ready to tell the full story, but just a reminder for myself on this day of where I have been...

So, it has been a year...just one year. I stopped drinking. I stopped smoking. I stopped eating crappy food. I stopped going out. I stopped wearing make-up everyday. I stopped hurting myself. I stopped lying about who I am. I stopped pretending to know everything. I stopped trying to control my life. I quit my job. I became a volunteer. I started singing. I started smiling. I started laughing (really loud). I shaved my head. I took vows to be a better person. I chose to be a vegetarian..twice. I started meditating everyday. I started writing everyday. I am teaching myself to draw. I am learning another language. I started listening to my body. I am learning to trust. I started a deeper and more honest relationshiip with my parents. I started training to go to Africa. I started to learn about healthy love. I started to dismantle my defensiveness. I started to dismantle my fears. I started to want to live for others' happiness.

One year. All I did was say no to alcohol and everything in my life has changed because of it. Everything. I am grateful to my most amazing sponsor for helping me see clearly when I could not and my friends in AA Atl that I miss so much right now. I am most thankful to my higher power for carrying and pushing me through this inevitable impermanence.