Where to begin...what's immediately in front of me. I was just reading a fellow blogger's blog and recognizing a similarity between the antagonists in his story and myself.
Today, while driving with my boss and co-volunteer, Eduard, I was picking up on this tension in my chest while they were talking and carrying on in thier usual way. Usually about this time, Eduardo and I are in the 'comfort' of our own company car engaging in the system we have created for ourselves to overcome the rejection du jour. This involves alot of deep breathing and pep talking, which if you weren't us in the car, would seem silly but it works because its us. However, the car became in-operable as of yesterday and so we were riding with our boss to scout sites.
Everything got on my nerves and in came the tense sensations through my chest center. This, I have learned, is the red flag for me that something is uncomforatable and so I go inside the woods of my mind to investigate. I look at the usual suspects first: a) do I have a cigarette patch on? b) have I been to a meeting? c) is the sky actually falling or am I in fear of something? I spend time with these thoughts and feel the sensations in my body to see if anything is triggered. Nothing. I am still annoyed.
It dawns on me that as I am trying to be present with my presence I cannot concentrate. This is the same feeling I have while meditating recently. Thoughts flood my mind with information I have read in books lately, tons of information, so much I cannot choose a tool from which to practice. Then another thought...perhaps it is the reading..and if the reading is the thing and I am the reader then perhaps I need to simply experience and not read about how to experience.
Aha!! Right View putting things back into perspective. I learn how to let go to experience and then...jump out of the nest and experience. All of the discipline I am practicing has allowed me to focus and develop my concentration. My humanness sees results from this practice and doesn't want to let go of this new and shiny object 'discipline' thus creating a desire for discipline, a craving if you will. As the scales tip toward imbalance, I start to rigidly impose my point of view of the way things should be on the reality around me, creating suffering, tension and frustration.
Awareness is my remedy for locating imbalance. As I become aware, I restore my perception to one of equnimity toward myself and others. What this means is that as I find myself annoyed with people, places, and things around me, I can choose to accept these things as they are because that is the only way to understand happiness:)
Love You!!!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Intentions for Two
TRUTH BEAUTYFREEDOM LOVE
I am not here for an involvement of anything but the truest affection
True love will move me
What is my deepest desire?
Love, the form of, energy of love
Love wears many faces
It is not the selfish, possessive, attached love. It is free
It flows through me
The love I feel for myself, my Self as a precious gem
The noblest honor I have for my highest Self, this Self I am realizing each day, is not to be tampered with by falseness, insecurity, fear
My love is fearless and pure, the most precious gift in the Universe because everyone can have it
Love is what I have to channel through me
I am proud of this love in me
This sovereign power that does not cowar at fear, anger, pain
This love I hold in me is gentle and understanding, in pain when I cover it with fear, with guilt
My fearlessness and Warrior training is to uncover the dark walls, dark curtains of the Love Luminous
All the love I uncover in me is to shine brightly like the sunshine on all those around me
If I have the love in me, for what other purpose is it there than to give in spite, no, without want in return, to another human being?
If that human being I truly love be not present, let me practice giving the love I have to the human being present in each moment, be that being my Self or another, any other as we are One
If I desire true and unpossessive love, I cannot, I do not choose to keep the love I have inside me, possessed in me, saving it for a non-exsistent future
I give love
I give love
I give love
I give love
I give love
I give love
I give love.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Desire Force and Will Power
I just experienced a clouded mind. I was trying to think of what I should do to learn the most, frustrated at the fact that I had to learn Portugese in the midst of my Warrior training. I have this modis operindi (whatever) that in the course of the day I do the following things: wake-up, meditate for 20 minutes, followed by journaling for a full page of college ruled paper. I was journaling for three smaller pages because this is the system I learned in the influential book Artist's Way, but have decided that in order to have time to get dressed in the morning and have coffee and such, I need to condense my imagination and Censor to one page, and the occasional blog.
After finding the sites for the day, we get home at about 3pm everday and I commence to my studies which consist of:
Shambala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior
Mind Power
One Breath at a Time: The Buddhist Approach to the Twelve Steps
During this time, I read one of these books and underline/transfer the key messages to my journal. After that, there is dinner and then creative time. Creative time can be anything creative but right now it involves practicing a technique I have learned with pencils, or free form with markers or pencils or painting or something else. I try not to watch television with the rest of the house or if I do, I try to have something to work on at the same time.
Evening meditation when I remember and then a little more reading then bed. When I am not working on studies, I am trying to implement them into my experiences. Usually, I am focussing on the thoughts that I have, labeling them, and continuing with whatever it is I am currently doing. I know this sounds like a lot and it is but I have been doing a lot of self-acceptance/nurturing work to get me to the point that these are the things that I WANT to do.
Which brings me back to the original topic: What are my goals in being here? FIrst of all, I recognize that having an 'agenda' is counter-productive. I have intentions and move in the direction of my ideals which are spirituality, sobriety, and creativity. It is my responsibilty in training to relieve myself of thinking that I have personal territory, renunciating the idea that I control external forces. I do, however, have internal true nature that manifests externally. In this way, I develop myself to be ready for whatever the universe brings me.
SO...the universe has brought me Portugese and trusts that I am ready to take the training I have studied and apply it now and I must trust in myself, that I will know what the best thing to do is. That I can let go of my 'self', and turn my true nature outwards, to benefit others with what I have learned. This is God's work, not mine. Although Portugese is not the bane of my exsistence, I understand that the process is now to manifest good outside of me with what I possess inside of me:)
This is long, I will write more about my intention-action-plan at another time.
Bom Dia!
After finding the sites for the day, we get home at about 3pm everday and I commence to my studies which consist of:
Shambala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior
Mind Power
One Breath at a Time: The Buddhist Approach to the Twelve Steps
During this time, I read one of these books and underline/transfer the key messages to my journal. After that, there is dinner and then creative time. Creative time can be anything creative but right now it involves practicing a technique I have learned with pencils, or free form with markers or pencils or painting or something else. I try not to watch television with the rest of the house or if I do, I try to have something to work on at the same time.
Evening meditation when I remember and then a little more reading then bed. When I am not working on studies, I am trying to implement them into my experiences. Usually, I am focussing on the thoughts that I have, labeling them, and continuing with whatever it is I am currently doing. I know this sounds like a lot and it is but I have been doing a lot of self-acceptance/nurturing work to get me to the point that these are the things that I WANT to do.
Which brings me back to the original topic: What are my goals in being here? FIrst of all, I recognize that having an 'agenda' is counter-productive. I have intentions and move in the direction of my ideals which are spirituality, sobriety, and creativity. It is my responsibilty in training to relieve myself of thinking that I have personal territory, renunciating the idea that I control external forces. I do, however, have internal true nature that manifests externally. In this way, I develop myself to be ready for whatever the universe brings me.
SO...the universe has brought me Portugese and trusts that I am ready to take the training I have studied and apply it now and I must trust in myself, that I will know what the best thing to do is. That I can let go of my 'self', and turn my true nature outwards, to benefit others with what I have learned. This is God's work, not mine. Although Portugese is not the bane of my exsistence, I understand that the process is now to manifest good outside of me with what I possess inside of me:)
This is long, I will write more about my intention-action-plan at another time.
Bom Dia!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
first lesson
I am almost happily situated here in Latham, NY. I have seven other roommates, two of which keep themselves hidden from everyone's sight, except to come out and yell about who's not doing what followed shortly by a door slamming. Awesome! Real World: Humanitarians.
My first lesson in not to expect anything other than what is: Don't expect that everyone wants to benefit the lives of others, even if the job description says so. I am taking it in stride and not giving into the festering negative energy. I have my own goals and since I can't change the situation, I change my perception.
My donation-bff Eduardo is amazing. He's from Texas, Houston, actually and he is giving me self-confidence lessons while we are stuck driving around all day looking for donation sites. "Honey, you need to look that man in the eyes and flirt with him a 'lil", so I oblige and learn that it is okay to make direct eye contact for extended amounts of time and not feel like Cleopatra seducing Ceasar. I actually engage longer and enjoy the conversations more, who knew!!
Alas, I left all the cute boys back home out of arms reach, contributing to my sadness at the lack of attractive things to look at. But the landscapes and mountains and architecture here are beautiful so I am easily distracted from the loss. We are near the Hudson River, Adirondack Mtns., Beautiful Albany, and other interesting sites and scenes.
Found a meeting yesterday which was amazing. I always know when I am in need of one of those. I was asked to be discussion leader and so excitedly fumbled my way through that. I wasn't as afraid this time which is a big 'hooray' for fearlessness practice. I go to another, younger people's, meeting tonite. I am looking forward to making friends! I think I'm just typing for typing's sake at this point so ima run. Peace.
My first lesson in not to expect anything other than what is: Don't expect that everyone wants to benefit the lives of others, even if the job description says so. I am taking it in stride and not giving into the festering negative energy. I have my own goals and since I can't change the situation, I change my perception.
My donation-bff Eduardo is amazing. He's from Texas, Houston, actually and he is giving me self-confidence lessons while we are stuck driving around all day looking for donation sites. "Honey, you need to look that man in the eyes and flirt with him a 'lil", so I oblige and learn that it is okay to make direct eye contact for extended amounts of time and not feel like Cleopatra seducing Ceasar. I actually engage longer and enjoy the conversations more, who knew!!
Alas, I left all the cute boys back home out of arms reach, contributing to my sadness at the lack of attractive things to look at. But the landscapes and mountains and architecture here are beautiful so I am easily distracted from the loss. We are near the Hudson River, Adirondack Mtns., Beautiful Albany, and other interesting sites and scenes.
Found a meeting yesterday which was amazing. I always know when I am in need of one of those. I was asked to be discussion leader and so excitedly fumbled my way through that. I wasn't as afraid this time which is a big 'hooray' for fearlessness practice. I go to another, younger people's, meeting tonite. I am looking forward to making friends! I think I'm just typing for typing's sake at this point so ima run. Peace.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Day 2
It is day 2 in the mountains of Massachusetts. I arrived yesterday after a grueling 26 hour bus ride. No one was there to pick me up, so I called and found out someone thought I was arriving in Albany, NY which is 2 hours away! Lina, from the school, was there to pick me up ten minutes later but I feel bad for whoever had the job of driving back to MA, sans anyone-to-talk-to.
As I drove up, the school and housing grounds looked just like this dude ranch, Lazy Hills, that my family used to gather at once a year for family reunion when I was growing up. Sweet. I almost had a panic attack sharing with friends my last night in Atlanta about how afraid I was to come here and start this journey. I was thinking all kinds of terrible things, like how I wasn~t going to fit in, My clothes would be all wrong, my luggage was too heavy...only to arrive to the most awesome of awesome landscapes and childhood memories! I am aware that things will become more difficult as I go along but last night, the most difficult thing I had to worry about was how to explain to my new friends getting ready to watch a movie that I don~t watch t.v.
We live in lodges, just like camp, and right now I have my own room, although I understand that this could change. There are alot of nationalities here. Many people from Brazil, Jápan, some Americans...more people are coming soon. They are on a fund raising trip in Philadelphia right now. I have to run, breakfast is up at 9am. So much to talk about, so little time!
As I drove up, the school and housing grounds looked just like this dude ranch, Lazy Hills, that my family used to gather at once a year for family reunion when I was growing up. Sweet. I almost had a panic attack sharing with friends my last night in Atlanta about how afraid I was to come here and start this journey. I was thinking all kinds of terrible things, like how I wasn~t going to fit in, My clothes would be all wrong, my luggage was too heavy...only to arrive to the most awesome of awesome landscapes and childhood memories! I am aware that things will become more difficult as I go along but last night, the most difficult thing I had to worry about was how to explain to my new friends getting ready to watch a movie that I don~t watch t.v.
We live in lodges, just like camp, and right now I have my own room, although I understand that this could change. There are alot of nationalities here. Many people from Brazil, Jápan, some Americans...more people are coming soon. They are on a fund raising trip in Philadelphia right now. I have to run, breakfast is up at 9am. So much to talk about, so little time!
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