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Yesterday was interesting. I had a really long ride with the house leader while picking up and delivering boxes all around the New York area. We talked about our lives or parts of them and it was invaluable to learn how he grew up, lived, and is becoming.



As I was listening to him, I noticed how easily he was telling the story of his life. There were serious parts yes, but there was also a light-hearted spirit about it all. This is the fruit of having lived and learned all one's life and having practiced the telling of the story throughout the span of his exsistence, adding new events on, after rationaling thier meaning and relating them to the other parts of his life. It was a beautiful story, full of poetry and heartbreak.



Then the most uncalled for thing happened. He asked me to tell him something about myself. I was doing such a wonderful job of observing and taking little nuggets of wisdom and storing them away in my mental pocket. Just bearing witness to the life of another human being. When I had comparative thoughts, I was diligently practicing non-discrimination, doing my very best to be one with this blossoming petal of nowness. Of course I wanted to talk about myself, too, but I wasn't about to say anything because I was aware that I had no idea what would come out of my mouth.



It was simple, really. He asked me to tell him something about myself that he didn't know. I could pick from a cornucopia of past experiences that would dazzle and ooh-ahh. With so much to choose from, I was caught off gaurd with what to present. So, I jumped right into the deep end of the pool. Reflecting on it now, I understand a little bit more about what it was I was trying to communicate but it came out in an unfortunate way. Since I have been in recovery, I have learned that the things in my life did not always just 'happen' to me, that I actually was a participant, I had to change a lot of the victims views I used to hold to be truths. In taking this fearless action, I no longer have the victim past and if I don't have the victim past...Who am I?

I ended up being a sad person when I am not a sad person. Part of me was trying to say 'look at all these things I have done and judge me harshly', and 'please don't be mean to me, mister, this is what I have been through'....I have a lot of work to do to understand how to communicate myself properly. What I was really saying was 'this is part of my life, these are the things I am trying to understand about myself so I can love better.'

Anyway, just some thoughts. Much ado about nothing, really....

Another day at the office.

Today went like this....

For others.

Bom Dia! Today I am going site finding, as I do everyday, with Adriano, my teammate from Brazil. I have renewed hope that we will find sites today. We only found three last week and I was getting down on myself about that. I think this is natural, business to business sales is not my gig, but I am challenging myself to meet the resistance I feel on and off the cushion. I think my schpiel was all wrong and that is why I kept getting so many 'no's' last week. I sat down and journaled about it and came up with a newer, more personal schpiel. Hopefully that works better. I recognize that as soon as I get a 'no', I walk out of the door. I know sales people don't take 'no' for an answer so there is the thing I am working with: the belief that what I have to offer is great and no one should turn down the chance to recycle and when I believe, other's believe...this is my theory anyway.

Things at the house are things at the house. Some roommates are getting on each other's nerves because they're not cleaning, (it's not me this time!). I am smoothing the waters with understanding where I can, working directly with the person's anger. My approach is to ask them to, just for the moment, see if the anger they feel is helping anyone and then asking what the solution would be if there were no anger. The last couple of days this has helped. I know I cannot keep anger out of the house entirely but if I can lend what I have learned, I am happy to do so as I benefit from this also. I read that if I truly want to help end the suffering of all beings, the most realistic thing to do is to start with my immediate environment and work my way out from there. Ah, moment of clarity!

I wrote a small letter to each of my teammates and my two bosses, opening the communication between us a little wider and appreciating thier character(s). Oddly, I felt really raw afterward. I felt like they might think I was silly for making an attempt or that I had given something they did not not want. It was fear. It was fear because this is new, this doing for others, simply to do for others. As a Warrior for love, compassion, joy, and equanimity, I have to be daring. I have to be willing to take initiative and trust my intellignet actions as they arrise in my head. I kind of just got the message and acted on it, only later to be scolded by my ego. This is good, I knew to trust the action. More so, I knew to trust myself:)

Wish me luck today, as I 'jump in, both feet'!

Frustration

I am pissed off this morning. Not at anything in particuliar. I have no reason to be pissed off up here, I am lucky to have this experience but I have pissed feelings, none the less. We went up to the Mountain, (the name for IICD in Mass.) , yesterday and had a lovely day. We met with Jitte (you-tah), the headmaster and talked about the history of Humana.



...okay, that was a couple of days ago. The day ended up being wonderful. After meeting with Jitte, we had the rest of the day to ourselves and so I sketched and read and journaled and hung out with some Brazilian and Japenese friends. Dinner was served at 6 or 7 pm and afterwards there was a party for the Febuary team, who was getting ready to go to Africa, after having been training at the mountain for six months. The party involved questions about Africa and questions about teammates, to see what they had learned over the six month course. Jitte then read aloud a letter she had written about thier team which was impressive to me. She talked about thier struggles fundraising and how at one point they didn't know if they were going to make it. They pulled through at the end and raised the money needed. It was a very honest appraisal of what actually happens and not just flowery words. My team went home after the party.