Insight

During meditation for the last few months, I have had a recurring thought that I should contact my mother. I have not acted on that thought for several reasons. One, I have had my mind full of other, more pressing issues, I will refer to as my precious attachments. Two, I have failed to see the relevence of what opening this door could possibly do to lift the veils of delusion of my present dilemmas.



I have, in the last few weeks, been gaining awareness into making myself happy, no matter what. It has consisted of committing to myself, my meditation practice, and repatterning my behaviors. I think a more appropriate estimate would be to say I have been working towards this awareness for the last 17 months, diligently. I made progress in learning about myself with the twelve steps and Zen path for the first seven months and then left all that, leaping into unfamiliar territory, in more ways than one. Then the universe decided that I should learn about love and was asked to face my fears. Where did these fears come from? What were they? What was loving like? Why was I so attached to making someone else happy? Why could I not just be me? Who was me? Why was I dependent on seeking? Why couldn't I just be cool, damn it? Why was this my weakest link?



The blinders had been lifted and I no longer was able to see other people as objects for me to act out on or subtley manipulate to get my needs met. I just wanted to know what I did not know. So I went into this mind/body silence. As my old thoughts came, I learned (and am still learning) to let them go but, no new thoughts came to replace them. Why was this? Things were happening all around me and I wanted to act on them, wanted so much to be a part of the life and mystery that was floating in my bubble, but I couldn't. I couldn't speak. I could only watch life as a spectator while my mind formed new opinions about the dynamics of relationship.I realize now, it had to be that way. I had to see, had to be shown, and in so seeing, learn. I had to use my strength to push back everything I had held to be true, and swim against the stream, not knowing why.



I have been a busy bee, changing my belief system, and its one step forward and two steps back but I continue because it is my purpose to do so, to see love in all its distressing disguises. So, today, during meditation, again the thought surfaced to contact my mother. My practice lately has been to listen to myself and immediately act on behalf of my inner-world, and in doing so, open to the absolute and trust myself to be without armor. I acted today. I allowed the thought to come to the surface and be recognized as a key to unlocking my capacity to love. Pushing through the resistance, I opened my notebook and wrote a one page letter. What I wrote didn't matter, as soon as I was finished, waves of sensations came over me. Not to be dramatic but it felt like I was going to pass out. Hours later, I still feel waves of release that come from my stomach.



This is the way things really are: I can't have a connection with any other human being on a deep level, if I cannot forgive another one. I am loving the same person, I am hurting the same person. The fear and the pain come from within me, and so does the love. I have to go to the source, which is within me, to find the acceptance of this life, as it is. Human beings need my love, even when they have hurt me. It is the way to lasting happiness and it is the purpose of life.